


Guided

by TheSpaminator



Series: Lena's refuge [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Defense Squad, Lena Luthor-centric, Mental Health Issues, mentions of Alex and Maggie, protect Lena Luthor 2k18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 00:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16691659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpaminator/pseuds/TheSpaminator
Summary: Taking place 2 years following the events ofAbsolutionand 10 years followingFirst Contact, Lena is falling apart a little bit. She's isolating more than she has in years and she can't rightly figure out why. She might need a little more help than usual to get out of it this time.Find me on the internet:Twitter,Tumblr





	Guided

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying a few new things with my work as you'll see in this fic. It won't be something I'll do for all my fics but for ones that are more introspective like this series, I think it fits. I hope you all agree.
> 
> As mentioned in the summary, this is 2 years following [Absolution](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14407614) and 10 after [First Contact](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11022561) so our girls are roughly 28 years old. I've introduced Sam to this one, I never actually saw her in the show as I stopped watching it halfway through season 2. I think I've got a handle on her personality, but if she is out of character at all I apologize.
> 
> Still angsty folks, but as always, it ends okay. Just love to be found here.
> 
> ********* Trigger warnings for panic attacks, self loathing, PTSD, and allusions to traumatic memories *********
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this, more notes regarding how this particular follow up came to be are at the end of this story.
> 
> This is unbeta'd (just like literally all of my work) and unedited so I'll probably go back and edit tomorrow after a good nights sleep.

Dipping her fingers in the water, Lena ascertained that the temperature was just right. Just right in a way that other things in her life weren’t in that moment.

 

That’s not quite right. Start over Lena.

 

Allowing her robe to slip off the sloped hunch of her shoulders, she gently lowered herself into the bath in the absolute quiet of her home. A quiet which wasn’t altogether common, as the light that follows Kara generally permeates every corner of their condo in it’s comforting loudness. The quiet was temporary, but Lena guiltily found herself glad of the silence she’d have until the return of her wife.

 

Oh. Yes. Things aren’t right, are they?

 

She doesn’t have a reason why. But then, that would make things easy wouldn’t it? Answers. Maybe not easy, wrong word. Answers would bring more sense, but acting on them? Well, that’s something else.

 

Lena sighed in frustration as she sunk lower into the water. No bubbles. Tired green eyes blinked slowly before her hands found their way to her own face.

 

Touch.

 

Not being touched, but _to_ touch. Usually she could just turn to her wife for this but through no fault of the blonde’s own, she just.... couldn’t. Physically couldn’t, though her mind screamed at her to follow through.

 

It’s been months. Months of not touching another person. She wasn’t sure what triggered it, if it had been something new introduced to her life, an experience she’d never had that affected her in an unexpected way, maybe a memory?

 

Yes, a memory. Always present, never seen. Only felt. Still blurry at the edges, but just in focus enough to know it wasn’t welcome. Festering. Buried, ignored and forgotten. For a lifetime. No longer.

 

Find a way to cope, Lena. Put some faith in yourself.

 

Lena dragged her hands over her own face. Touching. Feeling the curve of her brows, the shape of her nose, the soft give of her lips. Trailing fingertips down the long edge of her cheekbones. Following the strong jut of her jaw, leading down her throat to briefly grasp her hands around it. Anchoring. Continuing to explore along a trembling chest, fingers digging around proud collarbones. Bruising. But, feeling. Remembering. Remembering _how_ to feel.

 

Too long.

 

The quiet, right. Maggie’s birthday party. That’s where Kara was, with Alex too. Their child with a sitter instead of their aunt. So much guilt at not being there. They understood.

 

Lena didn’t.

 

She didn’t understand why she was like this, or why they accepted it. Why they loved her anyway. Where did this come from? Self acceptance, forgiveness. She thought she’d found them. They were more elusive than she had realized.

 

Back to her hands. Grounding her, touch memory waking up. Barely, but enough.

 

Kara returned when the water had become lukewarm, gently knocking on the bathroom door. She waited until her wife voiced her assent and entered slowly. And quietly.

 

When Lena finally allowed her eyes to open and meet those of her wife, she saw only love and patience. She felt confusion, and gratitude. Strange, to feel both of those at once.

 

The blonde only spoke when the raven haired woman held her gaze for longer than a few seconds. “Do you think you’ll feel up to a trip downtown tomorrow?”

 

Thinking of being around other people usually put Lena into a panic. Crowds. Too unpredictable. Though, she didn’t feel panic. She felt..... nothing.

 

Nothing isn’t the right word. Hollow? Closer but not quite. Hollow carrying the shadow of trust. Kara wouldn’t put her in a situation which would worsen her state. That was an answer she had, one she always knew was true. Her wife was a constant. The best kind.

 

“Sure.”

 

Kara smiled and slid down the wall to sit on the floor. She reached towards the shelf next to the tub, pulling out a book, her own bath book and started reading. Simply occupying the same space as her green eyed wife.

 

More gratitude.

 

***

 

Her hands were balled up in the large pocket of her pullover hoodie. Half hidden in the overlarge hood itself, narrowing her focus to a path. Less obtrusive to her senses. Easier to cope.

 

She followed her wife at a small distance, filled with mild trepidation. Lena, that’s not honest. Not mild. Bearable, though.

 

Kara looked behind her and caught her eyes, aimed a warm smile her way. It calmed her.

 

They pushed through a glass door into a storefront.

 

That’s not accurate. Not a store. A...... rescue? Lena felt the ghost of a smile push through the confusion. Who can’t smile when they can see a litter of puppies through a large window to another room.

 

“Kara, what-” No more words. She couldn’t find any. She just looked to her wife for guidance.

 

Softly laughing, Kara stood slightly closer but was careful to remain out of her bubble. “I noticed you always stop to pet any dog we pass when we go for walks. I figured they might be a good place to start.”

 

How? How did she know she had to start over? She was that obvious. Lena had forgotten. Yeah, that’s the right word. She’d forgotten how to be physically affectionate. How to even initiate casual, innocent contact. People were too much, she didn’t know how to even start getting back to where she used to be with Kara. With Maggie, with Alex. Anyone.

 

Her voice shaking, relief filled each syllable. “Yeah. Dogs are different. They're pure, they have no expectations. Just love.” Lena flinched, mouth gaping to backtrack.

 

Kara saved her. “I know you’re not saying that I don’t offer you those things. But I’m still a person. I get it my love, dogs are different.” A gentle smile filled with unconditional love.

 

Uncoiled. Lena’s shoulders loosened and her head lifted, cautious excitement filling her touch starved bones.

 

They made their way through the surprisingly empty space filled with shelves of dog toys, food, leashes, beds, other various pet accoutrements.

 

A woman opened the glass door as they reached the puppy filled room. A kind face, welcoming. “You two must be my three o’clock. I’m Sam, come on in!” She didn’t offer her hand. Lena wasn’t surprised.

 

That’s not true. She was surprised. Kara had made an appointment, she must have told the woman not to offer a handshake. But, people didn’t usually respect it. Or they thought she was exaggerating Lena’s needs. People didn’t take things at face value. Maybe Sam did. Was refreshing the right word? Yes.

 

Surrounded by new life, welcoming and overjoyed at their presence, Lena relaxed. And smiled.

 

***

 

Their home was even less quiet than it usually was.

 

She was understating it. Their condo was full of laughter, and happy pants from the even happier puppy. Lena didn’t flinch from the animal, and welcomed the affection. Welcomed wasn’t enough, she sought out the affection.

 

Yeah, that’s better. Active interest. Her heart felt full in a way it hadn’t in a while. Despite the abundance of love from her wife, best friend and sister in-law. They were so much, they helped so much. But well, they weren’t enough. Not anymore. No person could ever be, though. Not when people were the problem to begin with.

 

That sounds harsh. Maybe it is. To most people, anyway. But, wholeness shouldn’t be found in another person. Even those not dealing with the affliction Lena lives with. They can contribute, but putting all your emotional well being into anyone but yourself was dangerous. Expecting them to hold you up was unfair. Lena knew that. For once her logical mind lined up perfectly with her emotions.

 

She had to learn. Putting the pressure all on the people she loved wasn’t right. She had to learn on her own. With help. Their help, of course. But the bulk of it? Had to come from her.

 

Lena was slightly ashamed that it had taken her so long to come to that realization. She was lucky Kara, Maggie and Alex were happy to hold her up until she could stand on her own.

 

Back to the dog. The puppy, currently curled up on her lap as she read from her book. Her hands were feeling. Not her own features, not grounded in herself. But feeling the soft fur between her fingers. The happy huff of breath when she scratched a particularly good spot.

 

Growing so fast in the months since they’d welcomed them into their small family, the animal was at least double their initial size. Long clumsy limbs were spilling out of Lena’s lap and she smiled at the sight.

 

She was learning again.

 

“Hey hun?” Lena hummed in response to her wife’s words. “Don’t forget you have a training session with Sam tomorrow afternoon.” The warmth in Kara’s voice had never wavered. Lena smiled at the thought.

 

Oh, right. Sam. There was an unforeseen outcome of Kara’s surprise. The woman at the rescue, Sam Arias was a certified dog trainer. So they’d signed the pooch up for lessons with her and Lena had determinedly decided she was the one who would go.

 

That’s not enough. Lena, you’re leaving the biggest part out. Sam became a friend. Yeah, Lena was shocked too. The raven haired woman found she was learning so much from her. Not just about training her puppy. But about friendship too. She had thought Maggie had taught her all she’d needed to know. But things were different with her best friend.

 

Shouldn’t they be though? Best friends were outliers. They were special. They weren’t the rule.

 

Back to Sam.

 

The kind eyed woman established that new friendships were possible, and she learned how adult friendships worked in a broader sense. How to maintain a relationship with someone you didn’t speak to every day. Who you didn’t effectively grow up with. She eased Lena into the idea. And Lena was grateful.

 

Lena was hopeful Sam would become another good friend. She intended to invite her to their next game night.

 

Her inner musings were interrupted by Kara’s thumping down on the other end of the couch. Lena didn’t flinch, didn’t tense up. She smiled instead.

 

When Kara started a movie and stretched her legs to rest on the coffee table, Lena took a deep breath. Prepared.

 

Remember. Months.

 

Toes snuck under a warm thigh. A shuddering breath came from the body above. Bright blue eyes because brighter, tears carefully caught so as not to draw attention and startle her wife.

 

If by the time the movie ended, Lena had shifted to lay down with the warm puppy sleeping happily on her chest and with her own head in Kara’s lap, allowing steady tanned fingers to card through raven locks, well. Neither said anything about it. They were just, peaceful. Happy.

 

Happy. That word isn’t enough. True, but not quite enough. You can do better Lena.

 

Hopeful.

 

Yeah, that’s the right word.

**Author's Note:**

> The way I wrote this was more fractured than I typically write. But it more accurately describes how I feel when I'm in this place. The same one Lena is in. One I've been in for a few months now. My social life got very busy when summer hit. I met a lot of new people, great people. And I feel like when you make new friends, you have to put in a certain amount of face time to make sure they are committed to the friendship enough to be understanding when you can't put in *any* face time. So, there was a lot going on. Lots of events, weekends away, parties. It's left me in a worse place than I've been in since I started therapy a few years ago. Fractured is the best way to put it. Fractured the way my sentences were in this fic. 
> 
> Fractured is the only way I can think of to describe the writing style I used here. Less descriptive than I usually am, less emotional and warm. More rooted in logic and obsessive thought. This is also why this fic was shorter than the last two. I don't have the energy to dedicate to a longer one right now, and even if I did. I don't think I would have made this any longer. Truly. I had to write it the way it feels. I hope that makes as much sense to you as it does to me.
> 
> Sam felt like a necessary addition, in that Lena needed a new face. Had to learn that she can distribute her affection. She doesn't have to put it all on the other three. Though they're happy to do it, she needed to know she wasn't burdening anyone to heal. And the dog. Echoes my own experiences with animals. My dog is the only reason I get any contact anymore. The only person I can recall hugging or being close to the last few months is my best friend. The same one I've mentioned in the notes for the last two parts of this series. My dumb as rocks but incredibly loving dog keeps me sane and happy. He likes to sleep fully on top of me. He's 115 pounds. But I relish his cuddles, because I feel capable of growing and being better with people if I can be that comfortable with him.
> 
> And my best friend is trying to teach me how to be affectionate. I asked her to. It isn't easy, and I haven't a fucking clue what I'm doing and it isn't all that comfortable but I feel safe so that's a start.
> 
> This was a long note. If you read it all, I appreciate you very much.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading this, I hope you liked it. If you leave me a comment, I will respond. The comments on the stories in this series have meant more than most any comment I've gotten on a fic. Some of you make me cry. But, in a good way.
> 
> Love, Sam


End file.
